Sometimes were forced into making all kinds of decisions that we never really wanted to make to begin with. Life can be a major bitch, and a huge pain in the ass, but we just have to suck it up and deal with it, and try our damnedest to make the best of it while were here. But some how, some of us seem to always take another road, a road that we should never have even known about. I have found myself on that road many times. And luckily so far I have always found my way off it, but it never fails, before to long, I’m right back on that same piece of shit road that just keeps on going and never ends until you make it.
Theirs been a few people in my time whom have made huge impacts on my life. Those people I know I will never as long as I live forget. These people mostly consist of the people who drug me off that self destructive road, and of course a few of them being the ones who started me down the path to that road. I know I’m responsible for my own decisions, but sometimes those decisions that we hate making, are pushed upon us. We just have to know what were doing and where were going in life at all times. And that is something that I have just found deep with in myself recently.
For years I was lost, I had no idea if I was coming or going. Then it happened, the end of my self-destructive path. I got pregnant in September of 2003. And come June I had a beautiful baby boy. To have him was my decision, but to raise him alone was not. I was alone for most of my pregnancy. From December 19 up until now, and however longer the loneliness lasts. But somehow, I have a hard time laying next to myself at night, I have a hard time looking in the mirror, sometimes its even hard to breath. I’m not so sure what happened to me on that road that I used to be on, but somewhere along the way, I think my heart got hard for everyone else but myself and my son.
Time does so many things to a person. And most of my time in my life has been spent by myself, so I suppose that I’m the one I learned to trust most. And for a while now, Ive pushed people away so I’ll be the one hurting people instead of people hurting me. All I ever really wanted in my life was to be loved. Bit somewhere along the lines I think someone forgot to show me how much they loved me. I’m not blaming my problems on my parent, but it would have helped if they would have just gave me a simple hug every now and then and told me that they loved me. I understand that they didn’t know what the hell they were doing, but still now, even as I am an adult, I fell unwelcome, unwanted, and even unloved in my own home. I spent the night at my cousins house one night this year, and I must say, that the one night their in her and her husbands home, I felt more wanted than I have in years.
I’m not so sure that I’ll stay on the road I’m on. Who knows, here in a while I may get bored and go right back to my old stupid ways, but as of right now, I’m still alone and crying myself to sleep every night, and I must admit, that little routine of mine is getting a bit old. The night that I spent at my cousins house, their was this guy their, his name was Lloyd, he held me all night long (well, while we slept anyway, which was not long at all). It felt good to be in someone’s arms, to feel the touch of another human over the age of 7.
I do have a great family, they are really good to me, they let me stay here, buy my cigarettes, buy my baby’s diapers, they don’t even make me work. At for that I will always be thankful. But somehow, it just isn’t enough anymore. I need love, I yearn for love, I wish to be held. Every night before I sleep I look out my window to see the stars above, and wonder how many other lonely people are looking at the exact same star. I sometimes wonder if love is that ironic. Looking back at all those times that I told people “I Know”, I didn’t know shit, I still don’t. I wish I did. I wish I knew all the worlds little quirks and turns, but the world is to much like me, its unpredictable. You just never know what’s going to happen or when its going to happen for that matter. All you know is your still living for some reason, rather that reason be unknown, or rather that reason be living your life for you. You still have no idea as of to what is ever going to happen next.
Life is so short, and yet we waist all of our time on simple mindless things, and we seems at ease with the idea of doing nothing, not growing, not learning. We sit in our daily lives, being unproductive. We keep on doing things, but we get so used to doing them, they become a part of our daily routine. With that in mind… I have another question… What is a daily routine ? Is it something that we just do, or do we do it, and do it unconsciously. Do we even realize we have a daily routine ? Do we realize that our life is just a repeat of someone else’s ? Or is it ? Did we make this life our own ? Or is it just simply what we have to do to get to the end of our roads ? Most of these questions will never be answered, and if any one has the answer to just one of these questions, then please enlighten the rest of the world. Because rather you realize it or not, you to are completely clueless
Posted by just-rennie
at 12:01 AM EDT
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